Never for once did i feel this insecure, uncertain and hopeless in life. I am clueless, dear blog, at this very dilemmetic and unprecedented moment in life. At retrospective glance, ive always seen myself predicting my life and setting my destiny alongside the influence of a great power that determines everything. At PSLE i already got the hint i was making it for the school i want. I already knew my estimated L1R5 at O levels and got into the school i wanted (at that time i din realise what a hellhole MJ was) and I already kinda knew I wld get into the Students' Council even before results were out.
4 weeks to promos and i feel so so torn and clueless im like a child who's lost his mom in the middle of a shopping mall. I feel like crying, i feel lost i feel.. that whatever happens to me dusnt matter no more.
Why so, u'd ask? The thing about JC is everyone thinks that if they mug hard enuff they wld make it to year two. already the principal announced this year's expected retention rate (or more like school kickout rate) was 61%, and i AM in that percent. I duno why.. the teachers kept saying Faizal perservere hold on its just a short two years dun give up yada here yada there blah blah blah.. You've got the potential and smart enuff to ask questions in class.. loada bullshit if u asked me. Honestly i know what the subject is telling me.. like for instance reverse transcription codes ribonucleic acid to deoxyribonucleic acid by the enzyme reverse transcriptase and that the graph for social benefits and private benefits diverge becus with a marginal addition of quantity of goods there is an accumulative effect on the +ve/-ve externality present...
then why am i failing my tests?
its because we are brainfed and forced to swallow whallops of info and facts into our brains sometimes it struck us students that what we are doing are all for the sake of a bloody piece of cert at the end of the two years. then what relevance does knowing what enzyme reverse transcribe RNA to DNA and the graphs of market failures got to do with my future? do they even shit link back to my ambition or career? say i wanna be a video game seller for instance or for gawds sake sure does knowing what happens in your sperm cell help you boost sales for the latest gundam game series.
knowledge and the thirst of it has always been what that keeps me wanting to know more, read up more and ask more when i was a child. the fact that such and such works like that or so and so died at what age and did what in the world war II kept the fire that feeds on knowledge burn bright and ferocious within me. such fire kept my world sunny and beautiful, always eager to look forward to everything for the sake of wanting to know more more more..
the fire has died.
in its place is a big gaping hole that sucks in all the facts and let it rot inside, lost in the darkness of irrelevance and uncertainty.
i mug and i mug and i mug, and what i get is inconfidence upon inconfidence, questions against questions and insecurity and doubtfulness.
one optimistic part of me says: "WAKE UP FAIZAL YOU KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS AND NO ONE ELSE CAN PUSH YOU OUTTA THIS SHIT BUT YOU SO PICK UP YOUR BUTT AND PULL UP UR SOCKS AND START MUGGING YOUR ASS TOWARDS YEAR TWO!"
whereas the other pessimistic part looks at the optmistic part of me, keeps silent and shakes his head with a sly smile on his face, thinking all is for nought and all the efforts will be in vain.
the optimist is the one that drives me to study. the pessimist makes me dream of what to wear for poly next year.
Mom said, if i dun make it, i wont go poly. so i asked, where then? ITE? she said, be a noje at mesjed sudah. i was like, FOR REAL!? alright ah!
all my life i wanna get out of this education system shyte for the sake of getting onto humanitarian efforts and be a social worker. i dun mind working as a clerk for FMSA if i cant go poly you know. i seriously dun mind. mom asked me to study at pergas full time while workin. i seriously dun think she was joking. but hells, i really dun mind that u know. imagine, "Faizal the fallout kid. the school dropout. the loser. ouhh the l-o-s-e-r.." i can luff at that anytime. but i seriously starting ta feel its gonna be true one day..
one motivation that i keep on muggin despite all the OBVIOUS SIGNS IM GONNA FAIL IN THE END SO WHATEVER LA AH!? is that if i mug enuff i can take social work or psychology in NUS and be a good in my field of volunteerism and humanitarianism. yeah.
then again.. there are other ways of doing so. like be a noje at mejed for instance.
TO PROMOTE OR NOT TO PROMOTE?
pray fer me yall, that whatever decision is made for me let it be the best of decisions.. cus maybe hu knows getting into year two is not any better than going poly or be noje at mjd.. hu noes.. so pray for the best of fate for me guys, you know the prayers of friends get their way thru to the Throne of God easier than anything else.. help me guys..
torn, hopeless, uncertain, clueless, twisted.
let there be fire.
11:25 PM
burn! - 'cus the lovers of God are ablaze.
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