A recent personality test i took. its based on colors, like they present to you about 8 boxes of different colors, and you'll have to click them one after the other, based on choice eg: which one u like first. then they will make u redo the test after 2 minutes of pause, and you must try to reclick the same things again. test available at http://www.colorquiz.com/

amazingly true, about me.

here are some of the results i got from the test:



Your Source of Stress


"Has lost the resilience and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties. Feels overtaxed and getting nowhere, but continues to stand his ground and still pursues his objectives with a fierce intensity. This subjects him to intolerable pressure from which he wants to escape, but he cannot bring himself to make the necessary decision. As a result he remains firmly involved in the problem and can neither view it objectively nor get rid of it--he cannot leave it alone and feels he will only be at peace when he has reached his objective."

This is like so true. Those who knew how much i gave up for my promos would understand this paragraph. Also, the will to follow what my heart speaks, fights on intensely altho i have settled down to staying in MJ. the wanting to get out rages on.

Your Actual Problem


"Has a fear that he might be prevented from achieving the things he wants. This leads him to employ great personal charm in his dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for him to reach his objectives."

My dad once told me that i feared failure more than anything else. Yes its true, and as stated above in the test results. Me head says i must cope with failure and make it turn into a stepping stone to success, but the ever-so-contradicting, ambiguous heart says i hate to embrace failure. The "employ great personal charm" part, hmm.. maybe? =) you be my judge!


Your Actual Problem #2


"The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond his capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. He attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as he desires them to be."


Daydreaming, slipping into wild imaginations, always thinking about the ideal future, always thinking, thinking, thinking tho some ppl like kak aishah will say im never using my brains.. are some of the things i love to do since young. why?



i think i gotta starta learn ta use my brains.

12:12 AM
burn! - 'cus the lovers of God are ablaze.
_______________Guidaci Sulla Retta Via 1:6_______________

when ramadan is a vessel and her blessings are the jewels, i missed it when the ship departed the harbor and left me for a year.

oh i miss the senstaion ramadan gave me, the blissful calm that washed me in torrents everynight i attend the service at mosk, the constant reminder against myself to remind me and others to always keep ourselves in check, to lift ourselves to God.

oh i miss those moments when i surrendered my heart and my soul to my Creator.

the thought of failing to experience the promised Night of Power.. sad.

the nights when i meet my friends for service at mosk, everlasting.






and happy eid mubarak (another term for hari raya for those who dunno =D)

to everyone. =)



i got my results for promotional examinations 2006 already.

and im advacned to year two.

funny, no? when i never studied at all, managed to scrape thru and promote? funny, no? when i prayed to God for the best of decisions, He pointed all signs to continuing JC? funny, no? when at this last year after Os i was torn between JC and poly, but my heart said i go JC?



funny, no? the way God plans his great works for the lives of men?




im at a crossroads to decide between my initial plan to withdraw to poly, and my second option to stay another year.



poly

- a breath of new life
- freedom to choose subject of interest
- more time to dedicate to my Mission work
- more relaxed environment

X harder to get to uni
X might be a rash decision
X might seem as if i gave up on JC
X waste alot of time and money on JC
















8:06 PM
burn! - 'cus the lovers of God are ablaze.
_______________Guidaci Sulla Retta Via 1:6_______________

when trying to please two opposing parties, sitting on the fence will make your butt hurt like hell. so you let the fence open and allow the two to meet, hence reconciliating them both. but its so hard to get off that fence of judgement.



i remembered almost 22 months ago, on a fateful January 2005, i was given birth into the world of volunteerism, humanitarian work, and youth activism.. at that point of time, i did not noe the prospect of things to come, what would be of me, my destiny..



i was a meek sit-alone in-a-corner kid at that point of time in the orientation for noobies, but luckily there was this Brother who initiated a conversation with me, and hence i met the first friend, who then became my role model, and progressed to becoming my comfort zone, and then my mentor, in my new life as a da'i. i was indeed Blessed to have brother Mohksin..



back then, the faizal i knew found it very hard to attend the activites mainly because he couldnot get along with the syababs.. he confided in ppl.. like Kak Aishah.. and was soon growing attached to Fityan Ghufran, which very soon became his other-home, other-family, his blood. Ustaz Ahmad took him into his confidence, and eyed me as a potential leader..



it took me great consideration and pains to attend the activities, but never did once i rejected an invitation.. be it gatherings, barbecues etc..



bit by bit, the ice broke, and after 22 months, the ice finally melted and evaporated.



To recall what transpired at YIC would be very taxing, since im very bad at recollecting memories..



but i learnt a great deal of leadership.




- its never easy to reconcile two parties, but theres a reason why they approached you.

- with great power comes even greater responsibility

- self-reflection is VERY important. you might never know where u faltered, until you rethink and rethink of what happened.

- never lose faith, because your sisters and brothers will always be there to push you up and higher

- love, and be loved. i learnt the word Love in fityan deeper during YIC.

- always question your Niat or Intention to be on this path as a Da'i/Khalifah, and seek the meaning in prayers

last but not least

- when our hearts are aligned to God, then untiy will arise, and the beauty of doing God's mighty works on this earth will prove as beauty in everything else in life.



To ALL that were involved in the making and enliving of YIC 2006 - Ustaz Ahmad, Aishah, Helfy, Helmi, Hamzah, Fahmi, Ishak, Fathi, Zikry, Raudhah, Nadia, Liyana, Isa, Khairul, Azraie, Farzana, Haza, Fairoz, Khadija, Nazihah, Hanis, Khushairi, Isha, Farid, Syazwan, Suhailah, Nabila, Acap, Sarina, Jannah, Atiqah, and everyone that were in one way or another contributing to the roaring success of YIC


my deep-hearted gratitude to all of you for your faith and support, effort and hardwork.. and sincerest of apologies should there were any friction between anyone at all..


Someone once told me. Ramadhan is like a ship, bearing jewels to the brim. It comes and docks itself at our harbor every year, calling out to everyone to come to the ship and grab all the gems and jewels. pity, little do men know.. ramdhan departs at the end of the month and promises to return again next year, with the many jewels, but its about whether we can make it again to see it next year..


my brothers and sisters, do make full use of the last few days to seek God's forgiveness and His promise of the Night of Power.. Let the soul in you revive and rejoice in evocation of the Lord Almighty, for He hears even the whipers of your hearts. Pray for forgiveness, mercy, blessings, faith, constancy, guidance and light, and above all, pray that you will be able to see ramadhan and her jewels again next year.. ameen.

12:04 AM
burn! - 'cus the lovers of God are ablaze.
_______________Guidaci Sulla Retta Via 1:6_______________

1:22 PM
burn! - 'cus the lovers of God are ablaze.
_______________Guidaci Sulla Retta Via 1:6_______________

exams E-N-D-E-D.



came in late for maths exams today. woke up late. and the gurl next to me in the exam class obviously cldnt be bothered animore, she slept half thru the paper. when she woke up, i saw her, she looked at me, and she went back to sleep again. then i went to the toilet for 15 minutes. cldnt wait for the agonising 2.5 hours long paper to end.




JC is Just Crap. geddit?




BUT THANK GAWD FOR PPL LIKE THESE

Omar. Nad. Jannah. Me

i love you guys.

and all my friends.

12:51 AM
burn! - 'cus the lovers of God are ablaze.
_______________Guidaci Sulla Retta Via 1:6_______________

this is not me. the one who stared for 45 minutes during bio exams this morning, wasted 20 marks because he din do section C and sat there doing nothing is NOT the faizal you know.

the one you knew, is one who would NEVER give up.

now he's gone

died waay before promotional exams.

may God rest his soul in peace.

6:49 PM
burn! - 'cus the lovers of God are ablaze.
_______________Guidaci Sulla Retta Via 1:6_______________

before proceeding, please make it a point to read every word of this. in these times of need, words are all i have. enjoy.

this is it. the end has just begun. yesterday was the start of it all and it kicked off with a GP paper in the morning, and Economics in the noon. the last few days preceeding (the final year exams/ promotional examinations/ the end of my shit life in MJC), i was the epitome of blissful ignorance and tranquility. i din flip a page to study at all. rented VCDs, go to town, hangout with friends, chatted online, frequented the night services at mosk, and all the jazz. honestly man.

but i see myself as superficial, typing all this. not in the position to comment, i feel like the next door neighbour earnestly reporting to the media abt the murder that happened in my backyard. because one thing is, im adamant and strongheaded already on switching to the poly system AKA a new breath of life, so i din mug, and then, i cant be in the shoes of a man who battled his way thru the lecture notes and then proudly declare the white flag. whereas for me, im the coward who sat at the back of the troop, and hide within the armors and shields of the warriors before me, and delcaring doom upon us all. or so i make myself believe.

qiqi wrote a note for me, tied to a lollipop - "Faizal. Its not the end of JC Life from the moment that you've decided to go poly. you have spent 9-10 months in here and you jolly well not waste it. prove it that it is your choice to quit mjc and not because of your incapibility. you can do it faizal! <3>

the note was tied to the lollipop, not me. pardon my poor standards of english.

like i said, it was never, ever a year wasted. ive learnt so much abt things, friends, life, leadership in my short stay in mjc, that its worthwhile to have chosen the JC over poly a year back ago. then again, i fear what qiqi said might be true. a few of my friends said, "faizal why dun u give it your best shot, and when you enter poly you can proudly say you aced your promos and still opt to get out of that shithole to pursue whatever it is you wanted".

i thought so too.

then again, with the last few days lingering to herald the message of the coming of the End Of Year Exams (note the emphasis on the capital letters - some ppl think their Life Revolves Around School), there wasnt much to be done, cus last minute attempts to dig out the dusty lecture notes and squeeze them into my non-existent brains would not be any good idea.

so i succembed to the although-tempting-yet-relevant-to-my-case idea to forget abt studying and concentrate on all other stuff.

enuff abt the to-mug-or-not-to-mug shit. lets talk abt the more interesting part of my life! exams. -.- okay i had GP, as stated earlier, in the morning yesterday. i was sooo tired and sleepy cus the night before i happened to be on the fone with urhm, someone. duh. okay ya back to the topic, so i entered the classroom late, at abt 8.05 am in the morning, five minutes late for the paper. the students have begun writing ferociously on the paper, and i was strolling in. the teacher straight away registered somewhere in the crannies of her brain that i had a chronic psycho-medical condition that does not have any form of cure, which is, SAP - serious attitude problem.

after draaaggging out the chair and break the reverend silence of the classroom, i sighed out loud and settled down. serious attitude problem. and then, i chose a topic to write and wrote all the bullshit you could see coming out of me. The topic - "The Truly Educated Man is One Who Appreciates the Arts, discuss." I wrote of Leonardo da Vinci, his signature Vitruvian Man, Salvador Dali, quoted some famous words from the Renaissance period and ended my essay with a proverb. if there were ever a paper that i passed, i think it wld be GP. sorry guys, but that wld be my only EVER pass in my short history of the effed-up JC education.

during econs however, since it was in the hall and i was already sleepy, and the airconditioning wasnt doing any help, i slept thru half of it. the other half i was busy smoking the answers, and another half of the time (wherever that came from) i wrote a poem. yeah, had that so much time:

Dreams are cast in a man's strong hold

the leprechaun lost his pot of gold

chasing rainbows to no avail

man forever treads on lost man's trail

Dreams are born of dark desires

the glorious sun the star admires

man is doomed - in time he's lost

in prisons, shut off by Desire's doors.

i intend to continue the poem, but when that time comes, i dont know. but what im still thinking about is the note that qiqi gave me. of choice, not of incapibility. of desire to reincarnate into the poly, not because of a fall, a failure. i choose to believe that i have not failed. i can get my A's if i work hard enuff, but i dun wanna waste two years of life forced to do something, compelled to commit to a goal not born out of my own desires. i wanna lead a balanced life (sounds like a Health Promotion Board slogan) to still study, get into Uni, and still do what i want in life. not spend two years like a robot, a worker of the factory called JC. in poly i still have the chance to get the Uni i want. i got decent L1B4 grades, so no probs i guess? Only God knows where ill be heading from here on.

i still have Bio, Chem and Maths to go. Exams is, by now you wlda guessed, the last on my list of importance. no guys, this is not NOT not the way to think, but circumstances point me towards thinking that way, considering the decision ive made. one - if i aced my promos (or pass decently) and withdraw from J2, i wld make it to poly proud and victorious. two - if i failed like no ones business and get KICKED out of school - what is victorious abt that? - i will work my lazy ass so hard ill get top 5 in class everytest and get my access to uni after three yrs. no hurry there. then i can, one year from now, call my JC teachers and tell them how successful i have became in poly, and i will reread the note qiqi gave to me one year back from one year ahead of now, and paste a cheesy smile on my face and proudly say, "yes, out of choice, and not out of incapibility", and return the note back to where ive started keeping it, in my wallet, now and always.

10:19 PM
burn! - 'cus the lovers of God are ablaze.
_______________Guidaci Sulla Retta Via 1:6_______________

Homage to Newton. This sculture symbolises the clarity and openness of mind and of heart as shown by the empty space in the sculpture's chest and head.

Horse saddled with Time

Unicorn

After admiring the artwork displayed by the quay, we sat down for a while and chatted away about crappy stuff, and some deep issues.. till we saw a crab floating on the waters.. he was upside down, so kamal suggested i save my "bestfriend" (since im CraP and the CraB is hence my bestfriend).. so we went into the waters at boatquay and scooped the crab out and put him rightside up, and yeah... he went away happily ever after..

after enuff crab/crap-ing, we returned back to macs where the rest of the gang was there.. acap and raudhah were there.. so we dicussed abit, and we went back to maulana for asar after which we walked down the quay, crossed cavanaugh bridge and into Victoria Concert Hall vicinity, crossed the roads and headed down the roads where they had the memorial wall bearing the words "Our Glorious Died" or sth lyk tt. and we went past the fountain of tan kim seng.. and took the mrt there towards orchard. walked abit arnd there, crapping along the way and laughing out loud.. went to Anatolia.. the Turkish restaurant.. at Far East Plaza.. ordered a cow for iftar (break fast) and it was 6.20pm, so while waiting for sunset (break fast) we discussed further the project that the group was organising.. after a short while Muslimah came.. and we crapped aLoT more.. and soon we had iftar. the kebab was BLOODY nice, damn juicy.. AND OH MY GOODNESS THE APPLE TEA. holy cow the apple tea was SO remeniscent of the times i had in Turkey the country itself.. argh.. good old times.. i was P4 back then.. lol.

after quite some time feedza came.. so now we have Izad, Acap, Raudhah, Kamal, Me, Feedza and Imah! woooots! Almost complete committee was there! yayyy.. so we ate ate and ate! so fun! more details can be found at http://nhs-confidentialz.blogspot.com Feedza's blog. =D

So after that we rushed to do maghrib at some staircase landing.. kau we went into the toilet right smack in the shopping center and got out all wet with whudhu' and the 7 of us lintangpukang macam lipas kodong cari tempat sembahyang. like, we were using the qiblat compass, and rushing to get a place.. macam terrorist nak bomb the mall.. serious, tak bedek!

after that we went to the mcafe outside the mall and we wrapped up our meeting, and proposed to meet again at town next sunday.

THANKS FOR A WONDERFUL DAY OUT PEOPLE! XD

this is a video of me making a fool of myself. was tryina buy turkish ice cream but that turk was trying to trick me into grabbing the icecream. ARGH!

12:06 AM
burn! - 'cus the lovers of God are ablaze.
_______________Guidaci Sulla Retta Via 1:6_______________