you brighten up this life..

* Tuesday, October 03, 2006 *

before proceeding, please make it a point to read every word of this. in these times of need, words are all i have. enjoy.

this is it. the end has just begun. yesterday was the start of it all and it kicked off with a GP paper in the morning, and Economics in the noon. the last few days preceeding (the final year exams/ promotional examinations/ the end of my shit life in MJC), i was the epitome of blissful ignorance and tranquility. i din flip a page to study at all. rented VCDs, go to town, hangout with friends, chatted online, frequented the night services at mosk, and all the jazz. honestly man.

but i see myself as superficial, typing all this. not in the position to comment, i feel like the next door neighbour earnestly reporting to the media abt the murder that happened in my backyard. because one thing is, im adamant and strongheaded already on switching to the poly system AKA a new breath of life, so i din mug, and then, i cant be in the shoes of a man who battled his way thru the lecture notes and then proudly declare the white flag. whereas for me, im the coward who sat at the back of the troop, and hide within the armors and shields of the warriors before me, and delcaring doom upon us all. or so i make myself believe.

qiqi wrote a note for me, tied to a lollipop - "Faizal. Its not the end of JC Life from the moment that you've decided to go poly. you have spent 9-10 months in here and you jolly well not waste it. prove it that it is your choice to quit mjc and not because of your incapibility. you can do it faizal! <3>

the note was tied to the lollipop, not me. pardon my poor standards of english.

like i said, it was never, ever a year wasted. ive learnt so much abt things, friends, life, leadership in my short stay in mjc, that its worthwhile to have chosen the JC over poly a year back ago. then again, i fear what qiqi said might be true. a few of my friends said, "faizal why dun u give it your best shot, and when you enter poly you can proudly say you aced your promos and still opt to get out of that shithole to pursue whatever it is you wanted".

i thought so too.

then again, with the last few days lingering to herald the message of the coming of the End Of Year Exams (note the emphasis on the capital letters - some ppl think their Life Revolves Around School), there wasnt much to be done, cus last minute attempts to dig out the dusty lecture notes and squeeze them into my non-existent brains would not be any good idea.

so i succembed to the although-tempting-yet-relevant-to-my-case idea to forget abt studying and concentrate on all other stuff.

enuff abt the to-mug-or-not-to-mug shit. lets talk abt the more interesting part of my life! exams. -.- okay i had GP, as stated earlier, in the morning yesterday. i was sooo tired and sleepy cus the night before i happened to be on the fone with urhm, someone. duh. okay ya back to the topic, so i entered the classroom late, at abt 8.05 am in the morning, five minutes late for the paper. the students have begun writing ferociously on the paper, and i was strolling in. the teacher straight away registered somewhere in the crannies of her brain that i had a chronic psycho-medical condition that does not have any form of cure, which is, SAP - serious attitude problem.

after draaaggging out the chair and break the reverend silence of the classroom, i sighed out loud and settled down. serious attitude problem. and then, i chose a topic to write and wrote all the bullshit you could see coming out of me. The topic - "The Truly Educated Man is One Who Appreciates the Arts, discuss." I wrote of Leonardo da Vinci, his signature Vitruvian Man, Salvador Dali, quoted some famous words from the Renaissance period and ended my essay with a proverb. if there were ever a paper that i passed, i think it wld be GP. sorry guys, but that wld be my only EVER pass in my short history of the effed-up JC education.

during econs however, since it was in the hall and i was already sleepy, and the airconditioning wasnt doing any help, i slept thru half of it. the other half i was busy smoking the answers, and another half of the time (wherever that came from) i wrote a poem. yeah, had that so much time:

Dreams are cast in a man's strong hold

the leprechaun lost his pot of gold

chasing rainbows to no avail

man forever treads on lost man's trail

Dreams are born of dark desires

the glorious sun the star admires

man is doomed - in time he's lost

in prisons, shut off by Desire's doors.

i intend to continue the poem, but when that time comes, i dont know. but what im still thinking about is the note that qiqi gave me. of choice, not of incapibility. of desire to reincarnate into the poly, not because of a fall, a failure. i choose to believe that i have not failed. i can get my A's if i work hard enuff, but i dun wanna waste two years of life forced to do something, compelled to commit to a goal not born out of my own desires. i wanna lead a balanced life (sounds like a Health Promotion Board slogan) to still study, get into Uni, and still do what i want in life. not spend two years like a robot, a worker of the factory called JC. in poly i still have the chance to get the Uni i want. i got decent L1B4 grades, so no probs i guess? Only God knows where ill be heading from here on.

i still have Bio, Chem and Maths to go. Exams is, by now you wlda guessed, the last on my list of importance. no guys, this is not NOT not the way to think, but circumstances point me towards thinking that way, considering the decision ive made. one - if i aced my promos (or pass decently) and withdraw from J2, i wld make it to poly proud and victorious. two - if i failed like no ones business and get KICKED out of school - what is victorious abt that? - i will work my lazy ass so hard ill get top 5 in class everytest and get my access to uni after three yrs. no hurry there. then i can, one year from now, call my JC teachers and tell them how successful i have became in poly, and i will reread the note qiqi gave to me one year back from one year ahead of now, and paste a cheesy smile on my face and proudly say, "yes, out of choice, and not out of incapibility", and return the note back to where ive started keeping it, in my wallet, now and always.

10:19 PM
burn! - 'cus the lovers of God are ablaze.
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